After All
by ASJEO
Summary: Every time he thinks that he's got a grip on his feelings for Carter something happens to remind him that he's wrong.
1. Chapter 1

**This is my first continuous multi chapter SG1 fic. I have always struggled to come up with plots for anything other than one or two shots and suddenly this one comes and won't leave me alone. **

**This fic starts directly after the events of 2001.**

**Warning****: Trust me**

Jack sits at Sam's bedside, trying not to stare as she slept. She had dropped through the gate at an alarming speed and as a result she had a broken collar bone and concussion. As soon as Kinsey was gone, Carter had briefed Hammond and everyone had gone home he'd made his way to the infirmary and found a spot right next to her. He doesn't know how long he's been sat there but he has no intention of leaving. He just needs to know that she's okay. He'd wanted to do so much more than what he'd been able to do in front of Kinsey, he'd forced himself to stay exactly where he was as she writhed in pain in front of him.

The last year has been trying in more ways that one. Just over a year ago they had been forced to confess their feelings in front of people. Everything from that moment has seemed so much harder than it used to be. Every time he thinks that he's got a grip on his feelings for Carter something happens to remind him that he's wrong. Between ice planets, aliens with crushes, numerous near death experiences and close calls he has barely had the chance to get to grips with the enormity of their confessions and her subsequent shut down of any further conversation about the situation. He's proud of how they've carried themselves but he's tired, really, really tired.

It was less than a year ago that he killed her, he'd shot her twice and watched as she'd dropped to the floor. He'd spent a whole 24 hours mourning her loss as she lay lifelessly in the infirmary, listening on to the sound of the machines keeping her breathing. When the entity had first taken over her body he was so angry, angry that the bastard thing had got anywhere near her and that he'd allowed her anywhere near it. After her "death" he was numb, unable to feel anything but the deep ache in the centre of his chest. He remembers sitting at her bedside, asking the Doc to give him a little longer with her before she turned off the life support machine, unsure of exactly how he would cope when she took her final, artificial breath.

He shudders now, thinking of what his life would be like now if she had died, if he'd killed her. It had taken weeks for the nightmares about that day to cease but since that moment he's become more and more aware of just how quickly she could be taken from him.

He remembers Hammond pulling him aside shortly after Carter had woken up, congratulating him on how he'd handled the situation, explaining that he understood just how difficult it must have been. Jack hadn't said a word, he'd nodded, left the base and drank himself into oblivion.

He'd thought it ironic that one of the worst moments of his SGC career could now be used to prove that he is capable of treating Carter like any other member of his team. He thinks about his reaction to her today, he'd barely flinched as she fell through the gate and he wonders if he is treating her just like he would Daniel and Teal'c, he sighs, he isn't. If that had been Daniel he would have reached for him, helped him up, helped him to get to the infirmary. He wonders if, in trying to treat her the same as the others, he's in fact treating her worse.

She frowns and moans in her sleep and he reaches for her, stopping just short of touching her, stopping himself before he does something that could be seen as inappropriate. It's getting harder to stop himself, harder to pretend that he doesn't feel anything for her. Every time that she is in harm's way or ends up in the infirmary it chips away at him. Every time something like this happens, something that reminds him how easily either one of them could be killed without ever having had the chance to show the other how they feel, he takes a step closer to breaking the regs and, if he's really honest with himself, it's starting to become unbearable.

He takes a deep breath, wiping his palm across his face. He is her superior officer. He doesn't want to do anything that could make her feel uncomfortable or jeopardise her career. She asked him to leave it in the room and that's what he's going to have to do. If she can cope with it then he can too.

"Sir." He looks up and finds her staring at him with tired eyes.

"Hey Carter, how's the head?" he asks with a soft smile.

"Okay," she mumbles, choosing not to tell him that her head is in fact pounding. "Broken?" she asks nodding towards her collar bone.

"Yep, nice clean break though. No surgery. But no gate travel for a few weeks either."

"Downtime?" she asks.

"Just for you, SG1 has a mission next week."

"Sorry Sir-"

"Nothing to be sorry about. You saved the world, again."

She winces and swallows a groan as a jolt of pain travels up her collar bone. He shifts forward and his fingers skim hers, he'd meant it as an act of comfort, for them both, but regrets it right away. She glances at their touching hands and he pulls away. "Uh, I-" he stops as her fingers tighten around the tips of his and her eyes meet his. There is a flash of wordless communication and he takes a small step forward, his hand shifting in hers until their fingers are intertwined. He watches as she takes a deep breath as they allow themselves this forbidden moment and just like that, he knows that she too is struggling with the events of the last year.

"Major Carter," they are shaken by a voice coming from the other side of the curtain. He takes a step back and immediately misses the feel of her fingers against his as she struggles to meet his eye, the spell has been well and truly broken. He recovers and pulls the curtain to reveal the person who had fallen through the gate just seconds after Carter had, Joe Faxon.

**Thank you for reading. Thank you in advance for any comments, kudos or reviews. I would love to know what you think. **


	2. Chapter 2

**Chapter 2 kicked by butt, I know where I am trying to get to but my muse forced me to take about a million different routes until I found one that I was happy with. This one sets the scene for what is going to be a really interesting time for our favourite duo. **

Thank you for the lovely comments on chapter one. I'm really intrigued to see what you think of this one.

"Jack, are you listening?"

Jack turns to Daniel; His blank expression is enough of an answer for the archaeologist.

"What?" he asks with a slight hint of an apology in his voice.

"I was just saying that General Hammond is going to be really happy about this," he holds up a large leaf, waving it around. The leaf has proven to help skin to heal quicker after an injury. "Might get Kinsey off our backs for a little while," Daniel shrugs.

"I hate that guy," Jack murmurs.

They are hours away from gating home and Jack is antsy. It's a short mission, just forty-eight hours but he wants to get back to check on Carter. He'd been as patient as he can, but he is ready to see her, he's spent the last two days thinking about the moment that they had shared in the infirmary. She'd held his hand, wrapped her fingers around his and tightened her grip. She never touches him like that, never.

He's glad the mission is a simple one, some last minute negotiations before a trade deal that Daniel is leading. He's been preoccupied the entire time, wondering what he should say when he next sees her, if he should say anything at all. She had shut down straight after their forced confessions, insisting that they left everything in the room and acting like the perfect subordinate. He knows why, he understands that even a hint of any inappropriate behaviour with a superior officer can destroy a career, so he did the right thing and followed her lead. He would never, ever want to jeopardise her career but if she's ready to think about facing thing thing between the two of them after the year from hell then he is as well.

Jack hadn't had the chance to speak to her since that moment that Ambassador Faxon had interrupted them, he'd been called to see Hammond and reminded about the mission for the following day. He'd tried to drop in on her before he left but Daniel had ruined his chances with a last-minute addition to their pre-mission briefing.

He wants to know what she's thinking, why she'd held his hand and what it could mean. Although he'll never admit it to anyone, he's nervous.

He checks his watch again, three hours, just three hours until he can see her.

-SJ-

Jack strides to the infirmary, ignoring Daniel's comments about never having seen him so keen to go to a post mission check-up. He's trying to play it cool, but he needs to see her, to be near her. He doesn't fully understand why, after a year of holding himself together, it suddenly feels so much harder to keep his feelings under wrap. Could it really be down to the fact that they'd held hands for a few seconds?

He steps into the infirmary and freezes for just a second as he sees her, she sat at Faxon's bedside and she's laughing at something that he's just said, really laughing. It takes her a few seconds to notice that he and SG1 are even in the room.

"Oh, Colonel O'Neill, Dr Jackson, Teal'c." Joe Faxon notices them before she does but as soon as he speaks, she turns to them.

"Carter how are you feeling?" he asks, watching as a soft smile forms on her lips. "You look better."

"I feel better, Sir, thank you. Janet says I should be able to go home tomorrow."

"And what about you Ambassador?" Daniel asks, turning his attention to the man in the bed.

"Uh, still a little sore. Can you believe I got to thirty-five without ever breaking a bone?"

Jack looks at the man, thirty-five? He's younger than Daniel?

"Wish I could say the same," Jack offers with a shrug.

"How you people do this every day astounds me," he turns to Sam, "although Sam assures me that they aren't all as dangerous as the one I went on."

Jack can't help but flinch at the ambassadors use of her first name. He hides it well, sure that no one noticed. What is it about this guy that is making him feel uneasy? Probably that he's working on behalf of Kinsey, that's it, he's sure.

"Ahhh, SG1."

"D'oh," Jack mumbles as Dr Frasier approaches them.

"Who's first?" she asks, checking Ambassador Faxon's notes briefly.

"That would be me," Daniel offers.

"Great, and Teal'c, Nurse Michaels can see you now. Colonel O'Neill, are you happy to wait for ten minutes?

"Ecstatic," he smirks, edging towards Sam as she stands and heads towards her bed, climbing into it slowly, careful not to jar her arm.

"Ambassador Faxon are you ready for some more pain meds?" he hears Janet ask as she pulls the curtain between the two beds.

"You sure you're okay?" Jack asks Sam quietly, watching as she nods. She still looks pale and he watches as tries to hide a wince when pain shoots through her collar bone.

"The pain is getting better," she tells him as he digs his hands into his pockets. "How was the mission?"

"Oh, you know, the usual. Daniel talked for about six hours straight while Teal'c and I tried to stay awake, you really missed out."

"Sounds like it."

After a moment of silence, they both speak.

"Look Carter-"

"Sir I-" she offers a gentle smile and allows him to continue.

"SG1 are on downtime for a few days, I thought that you might need a ride home tomorrow?" he watches as her eyes widen slightly before she meets his stare. They both know exactly what he's suggesting, that they take whatever it is between them out of that damn room. That for once they have an honest conversation about what is going on between them.

Sam takes a moment to think about what that could mean. Maybe a conversation could help them? Maybe talking about these feelings could mean that they can work through them and go back to their light, fun friendship.

But what if it means more? What if a conversation leads to more than just talking? Her heart starts to race.

Part of her thinks that she should thank him but lie and say Janet is bringing her home, but then she thinks back to the feeling of his fingers laced with hers just a few days ago. She had instigated that. She knows how much it would have taken for him to take this step and she isn't going to turn away from him, not now.

"Uh, that would be nice, thank you Sir."

"No problem. I'll be here at one?"

"Sure, I'll be ready."

-SJ-

Jack is in the locker room about to reach for his coat when Daniel walks in.

"Hey," Jack starts, "what took you so long down there?" Daniel was checked before him but had only just emerged from the infirmary.

"Oh, I got talking to Ambassador Faxon. Talking about how successful our mission had been today, he seemed pleased."

"Oh, good." Jack can't quite shake a little voice in the back of his head that tells him not to trust Faxon, but he can't quite figure out why, the man has been nothing but honest and up front. 

"He uh, he was asking if we manage to maintain relationships outside of the SGC, I got the feeling he was trying to figure out if Sam was seeing anyone." Daniel watches as Jack stills for just a second.

"Oh," is all Jack says, his unease around Faxon suddenly making sense.

"Is she?" Daniel asks slowly, bracing himself. He knows better than to speak to Jack about this kind of thing.

"How would I know?" Jack asks, doing his very best to act as though he isn't interested in this topic of conversation. He doesn't dare look at Daniel, the younger man can read him like a book.

"Well I just thought…" Daniel trails off, he isn't quite sure what he thinks. He knows that there is some sort of unspoken "thing" between Sam and Jack, but he doesn't know if he's suggesting that their "thing" has turned into something physical or if he's just checking how Jack would feel about the potential of Sam being pursued by someone else. He can never tell with the two of them. "Never mind."

"Night Daniel." Jack is gone before Daniel can respond.

-SJ-

Jack is surprised by the knock on his door just after 9pm. He thinks for a second that it could be her, that maybe she got out of the infirmary early and has made her way straight to him.

He stills as he opens the door to reveal General Hammond.

"Hi Jack, can I come in?"

"Uh, yes Sir. Is everything okay?" he asks as Hammond steps into his living room. The older man doesn't respond. "Beer?" Jack asks.

"No thanks, why don't you sit down." Jack does as he's told, trying to calm the nerves building in the pit of his stomach. Has something happened to one of his team?

"Sir, you're kind of worrying me here-"

"Your team are okay Jack," Hammond tells him, watching as Jack's shoulders relax slightly. "But I thought it was better to come to you at home than call you into my office."

"Okay," Jack frowns, waiting to hear what his CO has to say.

"This is a conversation I didn't want to have with you but unfortunately I have no choice," he takes a deep breath. "I had a visit today from someone on the base who wanted to voice some…concerns about the relationship between you and Major Carter."

Just like that Jack feels his stomach drop. "Uh, I don't know what you-"

"Jack," Hammond cuts him off. "I know that the situation between the both of you is complicated and I've tried to stay out of it as much as I can, you haven't given me any reason to feel like I should be involved, but I can't ignore this."

"What exactly is the accusation Sir?" Jack asks, anger building. Who would go to Hammond about them? They haven't done anything…yet. He feels a twinge of guilt as he realises that this conversation might be very different if it were to happen 24 hours later.

"Nothing concrete, more of a feeling on their part. They reported seeing you and Major Carter holding hands in the infirmary a few days ago," he sees a flash of guilt across Jack's face and continues, "the rest is just that persons interpretation of moments between the both of you over the last few days."

"Sir-"

"Jack, I don't want you to say anything that will result in you being dishonest with me. I just need to remind you that as much as I admire you for the way that you have handled this situation up until now, there is a very valid reason why it had to be handled this way." He hates that he has to say this, but he knows that this is his only chance of getting the younger man to listen, to really listen. "Major Carter's potential is unlimited, and we both know that she will be the one who is the most impacted by any rumours or accusations. Her career won't recover from it."

Jack inhales, nodding. Part of him wants to claim innocence, to tell Hammond that he hasn't touched her, that he's spent the best part of a year wanting her but doing everything in his power to make sure no one else sees it. But the rest of him knows that he was planning on meeting her tomorrow to suggest starting to pursue something and that his outrage would be hypocritical.

"Nothing has happened." It's all he says, not wanting to lie to a man he respects.

"But?"

"But I don't know how much longer I can go on like this." He watches as Hammond nods and sighs. "I could retire." It's something he has been thinking about over the last few days, weeks, maybe months.

"We can't let that happen Jack, you're too valuable an asset. And we both know that even in that case Major Carter would still suffer the consequences, professionally." They both know of female officers who have had their careers ruined even when following the correct protocol in a situation like this.

"So, what happens now?" Jack asks, frustrated as he realises that Hammond is right.

"I have managed to convince the person who reported this that I would speak to you but that I was certain that it was all a misunderstanding. They have agreed to leave it with me."

Jack wants to find this person and kick the crap out of them.

"Thank you, Sir," he closes his eyes briefly, almost unable to believe that they are having this conversation. He takes a moment to remind himself how lucky he is, that another CO could have split them up long ago or would have demoted them right away after the report received today. It does little to take the sting out of the whole thing.

"I know how difficult this is for you, for you both. But I have to ask you to hold on."

"For how long?" Jack asks, knowing that there isn't an answer. Hammond doesn't respond. Jack sighs, wiping his hand across his face.

"Think about her in all of this Jack. Think of everything she can still do. And now think about what will happen to her if someone like Kinsey gets even a sniff of what was brought to me today." He knows that Jack has very little concern for himself, for his career. He hates having to be the person telling him this, from the second the allegation was made he was deeply troubled about how to deal with it.

He hates that he is here, having this conversation but this is the only way that he knows how to protect them. He has watched their relationship grow over the years and had thought about splitting them up numerous times, but they are at their best when they were together with Dr Jackson and Teal'c. He wouldn't risk splitting them and allowing the Goa'uld to conquer Earth.

In the last year there has been a shift between the two officers, starting with the Zatarc testing. He knows what each one confessed and has watched as they struggled, especially during the entity incident, to keep a lid on their feelings, to put the safety of the earth first. If George is honest with himself, he wants nothing more than to tell them that they had his blessing, that if they could be discreet it won't be an issue, but he can't. Kinsey has never had a closer eye on the SGC and would be delighted if he could take Jack down, the entire SGC down. George hates it, but knows that he must do this, he has to speak to Jack for the sake of the both of them for SG1 and for the safety of the world. It doesn't seem fair that two fine people should hold such a huge responsibility, but he'll be dammed if they lose their careers over something like this, not after giving so much of themselves to the SGC.

He had thought about speaking to them both, but he decided against it. He doesn't want to make it any more awkward for the pair of them. Besides, Jack is the commanding officer.

"Son, I'm not going to order you to do anything. I just want you to think really carefully about your next step." And with that, he stands and leaves.

-SJ- 

Sam has barley slept. The pain killers that Janet had given her made her drowsy but there were too many things racing through her brain to allow her to give in to sleep. So here she is at 1pm, having had just a few hours sleep, sat in the infirmary, waiting for her CO to pick her up and take her home.

She can't stop thinking about the fact that between them they have allowed their situation to accidentally leave the room. She'd been in pain when she'd reached for his hand but that wasn't why she held onto it, she held onto it because there have been too many times when she has longed for his touch, too many times when she has been desperate to feel his hands on her or to put her hands on him and every time she's managed to stop herself. She's tired of pretending that she doesn't feel something for him. The last year has pushed her to her very limits and she really doesn't know if she can go on as she has been.

She's surprised that it was him who suggested what might happen tomorrow, but she's also relieved. She doesn't think she could have done it, she's spent too many nights analysing his actions and words over the last few months, wondering if he still felt what he admitted to in front of Anise.

She thinks about what might happen today, how things might have changed by the time the sun goes down and she's both excited and scared. She would never want to do anything to jeopardize her team, she loves them, and they are her family, but she knows that something has to change.

She has promised herself that she will be brave, that she'll be honest about everything that she has felt up until now, no hiding. He has taken the first step here, but she is more than ready to meet him half way. She tries not to think too hard about what that could mean for SG1 or for her career, she just wants to talk to him, to see where they stand and then she can think of everything else.

Her stomach flips as she hears footsteps approaching, she gently climbs off the bed, ready to greet him with a nervous smile as she wonders if he feels as nervous as she does. She takes a deep breath as the footsteps get closer and he enters the room.

"Hey Sam."

Her smile fades instantly as Daniel enters the infirmary. "Daniel, what are you doing here?"

"Jack said you needed a lift home? He said to tell you that something came up and he'll see you when you're back on active duty." He speaks without any understanding of the message that he has just delivered. "Do you want me to carry your bag?" he asks, reaching for the bag. He looks up at her when she doesn't respond, the colour has drained from her face. "Sam, are you okay?"

"Uh, yeah." She takes a deep breath, quickly recovering. "Sorry, just…pain," she gestures to her shoulder as he stares at her in concern. Again, she inhales deeply as the realisation of what has just happened sinks in.

He isn't coming.

**Thank you for reading. I would love to know what you think. **


	3. Chapter 3

**I'm so sorry for the delay with this, I got distracted by our two heroes and a shower... **

**Thank you so much for your feedback on this, I love reading your comments and opinions. Some of you have questions that will be answered very soon. **

**Okay, here we go...**

Jack sits in the briefing room watching as Daniel sets up for the latest pre mission debrief. It's been three weeks since he made the decision to ask Daniel to pick Carter up from the infirmary, three weeks since he's seen or heard from her. Today is her first day back on active duty and as he waits for her entrance, he tells himself that he is fully ready to see her. He's spent three weeks trying not to think about her, about how she was and how she'll act around him when they finally see each other. There is a part of him that's surprised that she hasn't been here at all whilst on downtime, he thinks it may be the first time in nearly five years that she's stayed away from the base when she was supposed to. There is also a part of him that knows that she wouldn't want to risk seeing him.

Jack had thought, at one point, about going to her about telling her everything, he'd wondered if she deserved to know? But he'd decided, after several hours, that she would be devastated if she'd known about Hammond's awareness of the situation and of his warning. Hammond had come to him for a reason, as the commanding officer it was Jack's job to deal with the embarrassment, not hers. He had still felt an urge to go to her, so he'd packed up his truck and driven to his cabin.

He thinks back to the night of Hammond's visit, the words that his CO had spoken and the reality check that he had received on that evening. He'd spent the rest of the evening in his bed, wide awake, wondering what he should do. He had spent hours thinking about what Hammond had said, about the impact of this decision on Carter's career and for a while he had genuinely convinced himself that if she wanted to be with him, then the consequences would be worth it. Then the guilt slowly seeped into his veins.

Who was he to expect her to compromise on her career? Who was he to expect her to deal with gossip and judgement? Who was he to think that the chance of a relationship with him would be enough to risk everything she had worked so hard for? Who was to say that she wouldn't sacrifice her future in the military only to discover that he wasn't worth it?

He'd thought about everything he had to offer and found himself coming up short compared to her. She was young, beautiful, enthusiastic and on a path for success; He was old, his body was tired, and he had baggage, real baggage. Once he had started that line of thought it hadn't taken long for him to realise that she deserved better, better than anything that he could offer her. Even without taking their careers into consideration he realised that he just didn't deserve her. She would want a family, someone who could love her like she deserved to be loved and although he desperately wanted to be that person, hours of self-evaluation convinced him that he never could be. He wasn't and never would be good enough for her and he certainly wasn't worth impacting her career.

He was angry at himself for needing George Hammond to make him realise that he had just been kidding himself, annoyed that he had allowed himself to think that maybe he and

Carter could have a future and annoyed that he had begun to begin to pursue that before realising that he was being selfish.

"So, what did you do with your downtime?" Daniel asks, approaching Jack and slumping into the chair next to him.

"Not much, fishing." Jack isn't really in the mood for small talk but as always Daniel doesn't care.

"I thought that they might have sent us out on a few missions, even without Sam, not that I'm complaining."

Jack doesn't tell Daniel that it was he who had requested the downtime. He had visited Hammond early the morning after his visit and in the shortest meeting he had ever had with the other man he had requested the time off and Hammond had agreed. He had called Daniel and asked him to pick Carter up and said very little else. It had taken him just twelve hours to decide that he should go to the cabin.

"It's amazing that we lasted three weeks," Daniel mutters.

"What?"

"Well, usually we get called back, the Tokra or Asgard turn up or one of us gets kidnapped or almost dies… Maybe actually leaving the base on our downtime is the key to avoiding that?" he shrugs.

"Maybe," Jack nods.

"Are you okay?" Daniel asks. Usually Jack bounces back to the SGC after a break, but he's quiet, worryingly quiet. Jack shifts in his seat and meets his friend's concerned stare. For the first time ever he feels compelled to talk to Daniel about this whole mess, he thinks about it briefly before coming to his senses. He can't speak to him about this, he can't speak to anyone about it. It wouldn't be fair.

"Yeah," he forces a smile. "Left it a little late to drive back from the cabin, drove through the night." Jack watches as Daniel relaxes slightly, he believes Jack's lie.

"Did you go somewhere?" Jack asks, changing the subject. He instantly zones out as soon as he hears the words "archaeological dig in the desert" and only zones back in when he hears her name.

"Thought I'd ask Sam, but she went to visit her brother. I didn't hear from her at all actually-"

"My ears are burning."

Jack's heart skips a beat. He sits up slightly as Sam enters the briefing room closely followed by Teal'c. He braces himself for whatever she is about to throw his way and reminds himself that he deserves it. He looks up as she enters and walks around the table, sitting directly across from him. She still wears a sling, but she's walking with ease and there's no evidence of physical pain as she moves.

"I was just saying that you went to see your brother, I was hoping you'd have come with me on my dig. How's the shoulder?"

"Good, better. A couple more weeks and I'll be fighting fit."

She avoids his gaze but other than that she's doing a great job of being normal Carter. She, Daniel and Teal'c chat about their downtime and then she shocks him, she looks him right in the eye and asks him how he'd spent his downtime. It takes him a second before he responds.

"That sounds nice," she offers before turning to Daniel and listening to a story that he is telling Teal'c. Jack doesn't show it, but he's stunned.

~SJ~

Hours after the briefing is over Daniel wanders towards Sam's lab, bemused to find the door closed, she never works with the door closed. He knocks twice but there is no response. He tries one more time before leaving, deciding that she might be with Jack or Teal'c.

~SJ~

Sam stands frozen in her lab, her eyes wide until she can no longer hear the footsteps of whoever had been outside. She takes several deep breaths. She feels like a coward, but she can't risk seeing him alone. It had taken all her strength to get through the briefing whilst acting like everything was fine, she is so thankful for the training that allowed her to appear completely calm even as her heart was beating erratically.

She had promised herself that she would be professional, that he wouldn't know exactly how much his behaviour has impacted her. She has a job to do, he's made it clear where he stands, and she isn't one to beg.

She thinks back to the few hours after Daniel had arrived to pick her up from the infirmary. She had been almost silent on the car journey home, Daniel had asked several times if she was okay and she'd been grateful to be able to blame her shoulder pain for her silence. She couldn't actually believe that not only had he not turned up, but he hadn't even warned her that he wasn't coming.

The next few days had been painful. She had spent most of the time in her bed, wondering why he had changed his mind, questioning everything she thought she knew about him and his feelings. She had cried, just once, whilst questioning if he had realised that he just didn't feel the way he used to anymore.

She had wanted to go to him, to seek answers, there had been so many times when she had thought about going to him. So instead she called her brother and hopped on the first available flight.

Sam shakes herself from her thoughts, she doesn't want to think about the last three weeks. She wants to throw herself into work, to avoid him until their next mission and to hope that everything settles in the meantime.

~SJ~

It takes two days for them to run into each other alone. She had gone to the commissary in the early hours of the morning, unable to sleep and hoping that he wouldn't be around at this time. He had done the same.

She stills as he enters and stops in his tracks at the sight of her.

"Carter," he offers, he sees her composure slip for just a second. Her display in the briefing had been nothing but professional but he had hoped to stay out of her way for a little bit longer, knowing that she was probably angry.

"Sir," she forces a smile before turning back to the jello and fruit in front of her.

"A bit early for that isn't it?" he asks, forcing any kind of conversation he can. She doesn't respond and he watches as she swallows the lump in her throat.

How is it possible that he can make her fee like this? Why now? She thinks about how ridiculous it is that she feels this intensely now, after he has essentially shut down the thought of anything happening between them? She was fine before she fell through the gate with Ambassador Faxon and then everything changed. She was dealing with her feelings, why had she been so stupid, why had she held his hand?

What if he thinks that she can't work with him anymore? The thought fills her with dread. What if this is the event that pushes him over the edge and finally encourages General Hammond to take her off the team for the good of the Earth?

"Carter?" he takes a step towards her, concerned by her silence.

She takes a shallow breath; she knows she has to address this now. "Sir," She looks around to check that there is no one in hearing distance. The only person around is the one at the cash register and he is too far away to hear. "Uh," she starts, "I just wanted to say that…I understand, and you did the right thing."

He tries to hide his surprise, he'd thought that this would be one of the many conversations that they should have, but never do.

"Carter-"

"No, uh, it's okay, you don't need to say anything." She can't stand the thought of him confirming her worst fears and explaining why he didn't show. "You did the right thing, it was a bad idea and I think it's best if we just forget about it and move on?" She finally meets his stare. She wants to stay on SG1, she wants SG1 to function like it did before and the only way to do that is to fight through all her confusion, to take the lead in this and to make it as clear as she can that she is fine with his decision, despite how she actually

feels.

He watches her closely; she looks nervous, vulnerable even as she stands before him. He wishes that he could explain himself, that he could just apologise. He hates the thought of her believing that he didn't show because he didn't want to, but he's promised himself that it's over, that he won't jeopardise her career, so he nods and offers a simple, "Sure."

"Thank you, Sir." She is gone before he can respond.

He sighs and slumps into the nearest seat. She never fails to surprise him with her bravery. He knows that this moment was her attempt at making sure there is no awareness between them, that they can still work together. He didn't deserve that. He deserves her anger; he deserves her resentment. He had let her down and she still offers an olive branch, no matter how difficult it must have been.

He hopes, really hopes that they can move on from all this and that he doesn't lose her completely. He hopes that in time, in a few weeks they will slip back into whatever they were before this latest episode and he'll do everything he can to make sure it happens. He knows he's done the right thing; he just has to keep reminding himself.

~SJ~

"Major Carter."

Sam frowns as she hears her name. She is in the middle of a civilian coffee shop just near the base. She turns to find Ambassador Faxon sat at a table just across from where she stands.

"Ambassador, hi. What are you doing here?" She asks, moving towards him with her coffee in hand.

"I have a meeting with General Hammond and while I'm there Dr Fraiser wants to do a follow up on my leg." She spots his crutches resting against his chair. He gestures for her to sit and she does, she has a couple of hours before she's on duty.

"How is it doing?" she asks, sipping her coffee.

"Oh, it's fine, I'm a pro on the crutches now. What about you?" he gestures to her arm.

"Almost back to normal," she smiles. Today is her second day without her sling. It has been five weeks since they fell through the gate.

~SJ~

An hour later Sam is still sat across from him, listening and laughing as he tells a story about a diplomat who simply could not understand American culture and insisted on wearing cowboy boots everywhere he went. She realises that it's the first time she's laughed in weeks.

It has been two weeks since her encounter with the Colonel, she hasn't had much more contact with him, and certainly none alone. Janet cleared her for duty yesterday and General Hammond informed SG1 that they would be going off world in 48 hours. She's a little nervous about spending so much time with Colonel O'Neill but she's determined to show him that she is fine. She prays that she won't have to fake it for long, that eventually she will start feeling at ease around him again, that she won't keep questioning his decision, and in turn, her worth.

"Major Carter?"

She is shaken from her thoughts by the Ambassador, who is staring at her with some concern.

"Oh, I'm sorry…" she offers no excuse for her distraction but instead tells him, "call me Sam."

"Okay, then you can call me Joe?" he smiles. He thinks back to his last conversation with her before she had left the infirmary at the SGC, he had thought about asking to see her again buts he had seemed distracted so he'd waited and just as he was about to ask Dr Jackson had showed up to take her home. She'd been on his mind ever since.

"Okay, Joe." She glances at the time and sighs. "I should go, I have a mission briefing in an hour" she finds herself feeling slightly disappointed. She has enjoyed chatting with him, he's easy to talk to.

As she stands, he pushes himself to his feet. "Would you like to have dinner with me sometime?" He asks, refusing to miss out on his chance a second time. "I know your schedule is a little…erratic, but I'd really like to see you again." He sees a hint of surprise in her eyes and a slight blush creep upon her cheeks, she says nothing.

Sam's first instinct is to say no. She is in the middle of a complicated situation with her CO and involving someone else in that would only add to the confusion. But then she realises that for the first time in a long time she has genuinely smiled and laughed with this man. He was attractive and they worked well together on their mission; he was even willing to sacrifice himself to save her.

Maybe a date was exactly what she needed, maybe it would help her to stop dwelling on what's happened with Colonel O'Neill. Maybe it will help her to truly move on.

"I'm sorry, I didn't mean to embarrass you-"

"No, it's okay," she tells him, "I'd like that."

**Is she doing the right thing? This is where our story really begins to move. I'd love to know what you think. **


	4. Chapter 4

**Thank you so much for the reviews on this. I'm sorry it's taken so long. I am on some downtime from work so will be posting much more often. **

**I love reading your comments about this one. Remember, it has to get worse before it gets better...**

It is her first mission since her broken collar bone, her first mission since everything that had happened with Colonel O'Neill. The planet they are on has been nothing but friendly so far, but she feels slightly on edge and has done for hours.

She wonders if Daniel and Teal'c have noticed the small changes that both she and the Colonel have put in place on this mission. She is taking the first watch rather than the last, he always takes the thirds as it's the most difficult to recover from. He hadn't looked at her when he'd told the team that she would be taking the first watch and he'd said it so casually that she was sure that their teammates would think nothing of it.

She had casually dropped sharing a tent with Daniel into conversation within the first hour of the mission. Usually they just head for a tent and see where they end up, she had ended up with the Colonel more often than not over the last year or so and she couldn't risk it this time, not that she thought he would even consider it. She wanted to make sure there was no awkward moment when Daniel or Teal'c would be made aware of the fact that she and the Colonel were doing everything they could not to be alone together.

She tries not to think about it, about everything that has led them to this point because if she's being truly honest with herself it's taking more than she thought it would to hold herself together. She had been so proud of herself for facing him, for remaining professional just in case he thought that she couldn't handle their situation and removed her from the team. Almost everything in her tells her that he would never do that to her, but since that day in the infirmary she has started to question everything.

Sam isn't someone who relies on the affection of men to reassure her of her self-worth, not now. When she was younger, she had fallen for men who boosted her ego but she had fallen out of that habit after Jonas. Jonas had showered her with compliments, with gifts and physical affection, it had been nice, and it had been something that she hadn't. In actual fact, towards the end of their relationship all of those things made her pull away from him. She remembers his words as she walked away from him for good after he'd dared to put his hands on her in the midst of another argument over something she couldn't even recall,

"No one is ever going to love you like I love you!"

She didn't care. She didn't want anyone to love her like he had, to want to possess and control her every move. But now, more than ten years later she is alone and Jonas' words are starting to haunt her. What if she never found love? She thought she had found something close, and she was content with what she had. Why did she cling on to his hand that day? Why did she force him to take action? She wishes so much that everything could go back to how it was before she fell through the gate.

The Colonel is so different to Jonas. She cares about what he thinks of her, of course she does, he's her CO. From the very first day that she met him she had wanted him to like her, to value her contribution. As soon as they had worked each other out the mutual respect was imminent.

She will never admit to anyone and hates to admit it to herself, but his U-turn made her question her worth. On the day that he didn't show and sent Daniel to take her home she had cried herself to sleep wondering what she could have done to make his feelings change. She hadn't realised just how much his affection had meant to her, perhaps because her own feelings for him were so great, so overwhelming, knowing that he felt the same way or at least something similar kept her grounded.

Now she knew nothing. She could only imagine why he didn't come, why he didn't talk to her about his decision. She wonders if he realised that his feelings weren't quite what he thought they were and that leaves a deep ache right in the centre of her chest. She closes her eyes briefly, regretting that his feelings or lack of feelings for her can have such an impact on her.

She had briefly, for just a second, thought about removing herself from the team, wondering if dealing with the fallout of this would be too difficult but she quickly reminded herself that not only did she deserve to be on the team but she needed to be on the team. She knew that her expertise could help to keep the earth safe and that she and her team worked too well, too often, to risk splitting them up.

She turns as she hears movement behind her and silently prays that it isn't him.

"Hey," Daniel whispers as he sits himself next to Sam. She is just an hour into her watch and looks at him with a slight frown, about to ask why he's out so early.

"Are you okay?" he asks, gently nudging his shoulder against hers.

"Me?" she asks, feigning surprise. "I'm fine," she smiles, not quite capable of a full grin. "Is this about that old lady?"

"The village empath," Daniel corrects her. "Yes."

"Daniel, you can't really think that this woman can read emotions?"

"We've seen crazier things," Daniel offers, thinking about the words the woman had spoken. As soon as SG1 had entered the tent she had frowned and moved towards Sam, placing her hand on Sam's chest.

"_There is great pain here," she says, cocking her head to the side. _

"_Uh," Sam pulls away from the woman's grasp quickly. "No, no pain." She feels a sense of panic rising at the thought that the woman may somehow reveal her inner most feelings as the Colonel stands right behind her. _

_The woman in front of her takes a deep breath. "Such pain," she sighs, seemingly overwhelmed with the depth Sam's emotions. _

"You know that you can talk to me?" Daniel speaks softly. Something has felt a little off with her since the last mission, but he can't quite figure it out.

"Daniel, I'm fine." She's proud of just how convincing she sounds. She thinks for a brief second about talking to Daniel, about offloading and begging for some insight from someone who knows Colonel O'Neill as well as she does if not more, but she can't. She can't drag anyone else into the mess that she has created, it wouldn't be fair. "Really, I'm fine."

The rest of the mission goes without a hitch and she is so relieved. She can do this, she can move on from whatever this is.

-SJ-

Two months later

Jack sighs, swinging his yoyo yet again, and yet again watches as it twists and knots. It's been one hell of a week. It started with Carter not showing up for work and almost ended in her being dissected by some whacko. It also ended in him being shot.

The infirmary is quiet. He can hear his own heart monitor, the one he assured Dr Frasier he didn't need, and he can hear the hushed voices of the two women in the cubicle next to him. He isn't trying to listen, but he can't help but hear some of the strained words.

"Janet please," Carter whispers, desperation laced within her voice. "You said I'm okay, you said the drugs are almost out of my system-"

"Sam, almost, not fully. You had so many drugs in your system I could barely identify them all. You're still feeling tired, you have a headache that won't go away-"

"I just want to go home." Carter sounds small, vulnerable even.

Jack closes his eyes and remembers the desperate look on her face as he'd burst through the door of the room that she was in. He didn't realise it at the time, but she had been just seconds from death, seconds later and she would have been injected with a fatal dose of God knows what. He doesn't want to think about what would have happened if he'd been later, he can't think about it.

"Please, please Janet. I can't stay here…" it sounds as though she's choked up and he wants nothing more than to go to her.

He can't imagine what she's been through. He hasn't managed to speak to General Hammond yet, so he doesn't know the details. He hates that while she was reliving her trauma, he was in surgery and then recovery. He woke just a few hours ago.

"It's okay, shhh, it's okay." He hears Janet's soft, soothing voice and he hopes more than anything that the woman has wrapped her arms around his 2IC. He struggles to hear the rest of the conversation as nurse Michael's comes in to check his vitals and administer more painkillers.

A few moments later Frasier pops her head around the curtain and offers a soft smile.  
"How's she doing?" Jack asks as Michael's finishes up and moves away from his bed.

"She's okay, she's gone for a shower and she's going to go home." She doesn't seem completely happy with the decision, her lips are pursed and she's avoiding his gaze. "Being here, surrounded by the medical equipment isn't doing her much good." Janet checks his chart. "Everything is looking good here, a few more days and you can go home-"

"Days?" Jack lifts his eyebrows, "I was hoping hours, maybe day at a push?"

"Colonel, you were shot." Janet gives him a look that he has seen one too many times.

"I know that Doc, but I feel fine."

"But you're not fine, you were very lucky that the bullet didn't do more damage."

"See, I'm lucky."

"This is a battle you are not going to win, Colonel. You're here for at least 48 hours." She watches as his shoulders slump.

"So uh, Carter… Did you get to the bottom of what they did to her?"

"She was unconscious for a lot of her captivity so it's difficult to know everything that they did. She has bruises from the injections, from blood being taken and bruises that are consistent with being held down." Janet can't help but notice that Jack's jaw clenches as she speaks. "There were no signs of sexual assault, thank God."

"Yeah," he releases the breath he didn't know he was holding. He had thought about it for just a second, knowing that Carter had been unconscious for such a long time, the bastards could have done anything to her. He is unaware of how tightly he has clenched his fist until Janet places a soft hand over his and encourages him to relax.

"She's going to be okay. This was a close one but, with some time she's going to be fine."

-SJ-

An hour or so later he wakes to the sound of Daniel's voice.

"Are you sure you have everything?" He asks whoever he is speaking to.

"Daniel?" Jack calls. The curtain is pulled across seconds later and he finds Daniel and Sam, she is dressed, and they look like they are ready to leave.

"How are you feeling Sir?" Sam asks, he looks pale.

"I'm good, ready to find and murder Maybourne, but good." He forces a smile as he stares at her, she looks pale. "You heading home?"

"Yeah, Daniel is taking me. I'm not allowed to drive for another 48 hours." She stops for a moment, and he can't help but wonder if she's thinking about the last time that Daniel took her home. Four months ago, he hadn't turned up to take her home and today he couldn't take her home even if he wanted to, which he does. He's proud of how she has handled herself over the last four months, apart from the distance she has put between them no one would ever know that anything was wrong. He isn't sure that he could have done the same if the tables had been turned. He misses her, he misses that closeness that they once had but he knows the distance is good and whenever he begins to doubt it, he reminds himself of Hammond's warning.

"When are you getting out of here Jack?" Daniel asks. "I'll make sure I'm here to drive you home-" 

"I can drive myself home."

"Uh, you only have the use of one arm," Daniel says, with one raised eyebrow.

"Your point being?"

"Okay, I will see you in two days." Daniel offers a smile before turning to Sam. "Sam, let's get you home."

"Fell better soon Sir," Sam offers, following Daniel as he heads towards the exit.

"You too Carter. You too."

-SJ-

Daniel wakes with a start. He quickly realises that he is in Sam's house, that they had been watching something mindless on the TV, maybe the Simpsons? He remembered feeling relieved when she had relaxed enough to rest her head on his shoulder, even more so when he'd realised she was asleep. She hadn't wanted to talk about what happened; she hadn't really wanted to talk at all. She had insisted that Daniel could leave but he had asked if he could stay, told her he would like a little bit of company before going home to an empty apartment. That wasn't untrue, but he was worried about her after everything she had been through and he didn't want to leave her alone too quickly. He must have fallen asleep shortly after.

Still resting on his shoulder, Sam whimpers in her sleep, her body jerking against his as she fights whatever she is dreaming about.

"Sam," Daniel whispers, careful not to scare her.

"No," she mumbles, still asleep. A deep frown spreads across her face as she jerks again, and again. "No, please…"

"Sam," Daniel calls a little louder, wrapping his arm around her and gently shaking her. She wakes almost instantly with a gasp. It takes her a moment to realise where she is and that's he is safe.

"Daniel?"

"It's okay, you're safe," he whispers, running his hand up and down her arm for comfort. "You're safe."

-SJ-

"You expect it off world," Sam speaks quietly, she is now sat on the opposite side of the sofa to Daniel. She had said very little when she initially woke, then Daniel asked if she wanted to talk about it. "We're supposed to be safe on earth, you know? I was going to the gym…" she trails off, it sounds as thoughts he is still trying to make sense of it in her head.

"I wish I knew what to say to make it better," Daniel tells her, honestly. "We're going to get Conrad, Sam. We're not going to stop until that happens."

"What if you can't?" She has never sounded so small.

"You think that SG1 are going to let him get away with what he did to you? Never mind the fact that there's a Goa'uld inside of him. We're going to get him."

"What do I do until then?" She's so tired, she isn't sure she would be this unguarded if she wasn't so damn tired. 

"Until then I'm going to do everything I can to make you feel safe. You remember what you did for me when Sha're died?" He moves closer to her and takes her hand in his. "How you dropped by, brought food, forced me to get dressed and get out into the world? I'm going to do those things for you. Remember the time you literally dragged me out of my bed? I must have smelt so bad-"

"You did," she smiles, she's so proud of how far Daniel has come since those days of grief.

"I don't know what I'd do without you Daniel." She rests her head on his shoulder, allowing him to wrap an arm around her and hold her close. He knows he won't have to drag her out of bed, or make her get dressed, but he might have to stay over once or twice, he might have to reassure her that she's safe. He'll do anything he can.

Daniel wants to tell her that he's been worried about her recently, that off world he's seen more of Major Carter than he has Sam. Things have been different ever since she fell through the gate with Ambassador Faxon. He doesn't know what it is, but he thinks it might involve Jack so he knows better than to ask.

There has been some sort of shift between Sam and Jack in the last year, he had tried to speak to Jack about it a few times but had decided to stop when Jack almost bit his head off. He knows little bits about what happened on the day that Martouf died, Teal'c told him part of the story, but he knew his friend had left out important details, he understands why.

He thinks back to his conversation with Sam after the incident with the village empath, she had seemed so sad. By the next mission she had seemed back to her usual self, just more professional. He's tried to speak to her a few times only to have her brush him off and insist that everything is okay.

Thirty minutes later, as Daniel is discussing his non-existent love life, she surprises him with an admission. "I'm kind of seeing someone."

"You are?" Maybe this is what has caused the recent shift, maybe she and Jack have started a relationship and they've been so busy trying to make sure no one finds out that they've both become super professional.

"It's only been a few dates so far, we're both so busy…" she trails off. "I don't know, it may lead to nothing."

"But you like him?"

"I think so."

"Do I… Do I know him?" Daniel doesn't want to push, but she's told him this for a reason. He watches as she nods.

"I don't want anyone else to know," she says quickly.

"Sam, your secret is safe with me. I actually think it's great."

"You do?" She asks with a small, confused frown.

"Yeah, I know it's… complicated but that doesn't mean it can't work. And you know Teal'c and I support you, don't you? We just want you both to be happy." He moves as Sam sits up and is no longer pressed against him.

"Daniel," she starts, there's a sad look in her eyes. "It isn't Colonel O'Neill, you know that he would never break the rules like that… for that."

"Oh, Sam, I'm sorry. I just… I thought-"

"It's okay, it's not your fault"

"It's just that you two have been acting so differently recently and I just thought that maybe it was because you were… I don't know exactly what happened during the Za'tarc testing but I know it was something significand and I just that you were…" He trails off. "I'm sorry."

"It's okay Daniel," She isn't sure if it's the drugs that are lingering in her system, or the tiredness, or both but she allows herself to be honest, really honest for the first time in a long time. "I thought that one day…maybe…but he… he doesn't see me that way anymore. I thought he did but… but he doesn't."

"Are you sure?" Daniel is almost certain that Jack's feelings for Sam are the same, if not stronger. Hadn't she seen the way he'd looked at her in the infirmary?

"Yeah, I'm sure. He... He made it very clear." She can't hide her disappointment. Daniel wants to find out more, but he won't ask. He can see that whatever has happened has had a huge impact on Sam, not to mention what has happened to her over the last few days. He doesn't want to push her.

"We're fine though, it's over now and it won't impact the team." She regrets sharing so much with him, she doesn't want him to worry about her or the team. She would never jeopardise the team.

"So, this person you're seeing?" He changes the subject, knowing that her defences are back up and she won't speak about Jack anymore.

"It's Ambassador Faxon."

-SJ-

She had called Joe the next morning, just an hour after Daniel had left. She had asked if he wanted to go for dinner and he'd agreed. She hadn't wanted to stay in her house but she felt nervous about leaving the house alone. She had berated herself for feeling that way, she's a Major in the Airforce. But no amount of berating could shake the nerves in the pit of her stomach when she thought about leaving the house alone.

Daniel had offered to stay but she didn't want to keep him, she knew he had things to do. He had been so good to stay and to talk things through with her. They had stayed up late into the night as she started to talk about what she remembered form her captivity. By the time she got to Colonel O'Neill bursting through the door her hands were shaking. She had come so close to losing her life.

Daniel had, again, assured her that they would find Conrad, that the man would not get anywhere near her again. He had promised that he would do everything in his power to keep her safe and she believed that he would try. General Hammond had set up an hourly check in while she was at home, she had refused to have a guard stand watch, certain that Conrad wouldn't strike again so soon after escaping.

She is distracted from her thought by Joe's voice.

"Are you sure you're okay?" He speaks with sincerity as they walk towards her front door.

Hours earlier they had walked to a small Italian just a few minutes from her house. She had briefly explained what had happened without going into very much detail. She had listened to him talk about his latest venture and laughed at the jokes that he'd made but she was still on edge, watching every time someone walked through the restaurant door.

Now, she wonders if she made wrong choice in calling him, she hasn't been very good company at all, not that he seems to mind. She enjoys his company, but she isn't sure if this thing between them is going anywhere. They have shared a few, light kisses after their dates, neither one has pushed things any further despite it having met five times for coffee or dinner.

She wonders if she should speak to him, to put a stop to things. It's not that she doesn't like him, but she is so conflicted in what she feels about pretty much everything, maybe continuing this isn't fair?

She thinks back to their previous dates, he was funny, warm and generous. But she doesn't feel that spark, the spark she always feels when she is around -

"Sam?" He asks, shaking her from her thoughts. He pauses where he stands, just a few steps away from her front porch. She turns to him with an embarrassed blush creeping up her cheeks. She has an attractive, kind man in front of her and she's thinking about one who doesn't even want her.

"I'm sorry, I was…distracted." She forces a smile and takes the final steps to her front door, turning to face him.

"Hey," he places a gentle hand on her shoulder. "You don't have to apologise. I can't even imagine what you've been through. I'm just… I'm glad you're safe. I really care about you Sam."

She doesn't flinch when he brings his hand up to cup her cheek and takes a step towards her. He presses his lips against hers for a short, gentle kiss before pulling away. He wants to kiss her, to really kiss her but he isn't sure if now is the right time.

As he takes a step to move away from her, she feels something akin to panic building in the pit of her stomach. She doesn't want to be alone. She desperately wants to feel, really feel something that isn't fear or rejection.

She leans in and kisses him. It's unlike any of the polite, unsure kisses they have shared in the past. She opens her mouth against his and it takes him just a second or two to respond, his tongue slides against hers and his hand slides around her waist pulling her body tightly against his. She can't help but moan as his hands travel across her back and hips. She cups the back of his head, pulling him impossibly closer.

When she eventually rips her lips from his she is breathless, his body is still pressed against hers and she can feel his interest pressing against her hip. They both breathe deeply; both equally stunned by the kiss.

She takes a second to compose herself before stepping out of his grasp. She can see disappointment in his face, but he masks it quickly.

She unlocks her door and steps inside; she turns and holds out her hand. Joe raises his eyebrows in surprise but quickly entwines his fingers with hers. She gently pulls him into the house before closing the front door behind them.

**I know, I know… Trust me. I would love to hear what you think, I think. **


	5. Chapter 5

**Thank you so much for the feedback on this. I know it hurts to see them this way and uh, it's going to hurt a little more... **

I really appreciate every comment and kudos and tweet. Thank you. Sam laughs out loud as Daniel drunkenly shares stories from Abydos. They are sat in her living room. She can't remember the last time she laughed, really laughed. Daniel has been a God send, as promised he has been there whenever she has needed him since her abduction. She has rediscovered a closeness with him that she hadn't even realised she'd missed.

She looks up as the phone rings, she knows it isn't the SGC as they would ring her cell, so she tells Daniel to ignore it and let the machine catch it.

"Uh, Hi Sam, it's me, Joe. I know you're probably…busy or out of town, but I just wanted to check in and see if you'd like to get some dinner when you're back? It would be great to hear from you. Bye."

Sam feels Daniel's stare before she meets it. She hasn't seen Joe in over a month. She had thought long and hard about him after their last date and concluded that she can't be trusted with his heart, not when her own is so tormented. She hasn't had the heart to let him down gently yet, grateful that her job had kept her so busy and "out of town" so often.

"What happened?" Daniel asks, wondering why Joe is practically begging to see Sam. She opens her mouth to speak, thinking carefully about what she should tell her friend.

_It moves quickly, she is on him as soon as the door closes and his jacket hits the ground seconds later. She kisses him like he is her last lifeline, pulling him tightly against her body. It has been so long since she's felt anything like this, and it feels like she's chasing something that may awaken her senses after months of feeling very little at all. _

"_Sam," Joe groans into her mouth as she grazes the front of his trousers. "God." His lips latch onto the sensitive skin of her throat, then it's her turn to groan. _

"Nothing…" Sam shrugs.

"Sam," Daniel lifts an eyebrow. They've been friends too long for her to lie to him.

_She directs them to her living room and pushes his down onto the sofa before climbing on top of him, straddling him. She kisses him, hard. Her fingers scrape the back of his throat as his hips meet hers, his hands grip her hips, pulling her impossibly closer._

_Joe can't quite believe his luck; she is perfect. He strips her of blouse, throwing it to the floor and moving to kiss her chest. _

Sam takes a deep breath. "I uh, I just realised that I wasn't being fair… That maybe I was leading him on." She takes a deep breath. "I let it go too far," she admits quietly.

_It happens subconsciously. Sam closes her eyes and bites her lip as Joe makes her feel things that she hasn't felt in a very long time. She can visualise his hands as they roam over her body, his lips grazing her skin as her hands move through the silver strands of his hair. _

"How far did it go?" Daniel asks slowly, watching as a blush creeps along Sam's cheeks.

_As soon as she realises what she is doing she jerks and pulls away from the man under her. _

"_Sam?" Joe asks, his eyes full of concern as she clambers off him. "Are you okay?"_

"_Uh," she drags a hand through her hair as she struggles to catch her breath. She hadn't meant to think of him, to imagine it was his hands and his lips, but her brain had betrayed her. "Yeah, I'm sorry."_

"I didn't sleep with him," she admits, surprised by how easy it is to talk to Daniel about this. "But we came close and then I realised… It wouldn't be right."

"_What happened? Did I… Did I do something?" he stands and reaches for her, but she steps out of his grasp. _

"_No, no, Joe. I'm sorry." She is so, so embarrassed. _

_Joe frowns as he notices, in her state of undress, the small, dark bruises that are scattered across her arms and he wants to kick himself. "Sam, I'm so sorry… I didn't think."_

"_What?" she asks, confused by his apology, she is the one who should be apologising. _

"_It's too soon, after what you've been through." He gestures to the bruises. Less than 48 hours she'd been held captive, although she didn't say much, he knew that it had been a traumatising experience. "I'm sorry, I didn't think-"_

"_No, I…" she wants to tell him that it has nothing to do with that, but then she will have to find a reason for her retreat. "I'm sorry. I thought I was okay." _

_She's a coward._

"_Hey, don't apologise." Joe cautiously steps towards her and reaches for her, pulling her against his chest as he wraps his arms around her. He silently chastises himself for not realising what bad timing this was. "It's okay."_

_Sam reluctantly relaxes into Joe's hold, resting her head against his shoulder. _

_He offers to stay, to talk through her ordeal but she politely declines. She closes the front door behind him and presses her forehead against it, fighting the tears that are threatening to surface. She is overwhelmed with feelings of shame and a deep yearning that will not go away. _

_Part of her wonders if she should have just gone through with it, accepted that her brain was going to pretend it was him and enjoy it but, the rational part of her knows that she never could. It wouldn't be fair to Joe and she wouldn't be able to look her CO in the face ever again. _

_Her fists clench as anger thrums through her veins. She is trying so, so hard to move on, why is it that just as she feels like she might be able to do it, she's dragged backwards. She wants, so desperately, to get over this ache, this longing. What else can she do? It feels hopeless. _

Daniel is drunk, but not drunk enough to dare to bring Jack into this conversation like he wants to. He wants his friends to be happy, but he knows that interfering right now would only cause more damage.

"He could be good for you Sam," he tells her. He can't help but feel like he's betraying Jack in encouraging Sam to think about giving Faxon another choice, but he pushes it to the back of his mind.

"What if I hurt him?" She doesn't want to be cruel to Joe, she knows how much he likes her. She knows that if they had slept together it would have been the start of something that she isn't sure she wants, not with him.

"You don't have to marry the guy. I just… I think that you deserve to be…treated nicely, wined and dined. Maybe this could be a nice…distraction from everything else that has been going on?"

"No, I can't do that to him Daniel. I know I have to talk to him and call things off, and I will."

"Sam-"

"It's the right thing to do."

"Whatever you want," Daniel rubs a gentle hand across her arm. "But…" he thinks carefully about what he wants to say before he starts again, "you're allowed to be happy Sam. You deserve to be loved."

Sam shifts uncomfortably beside him, suddenly feeling a little overwhelmed. She feels tears begin to form and closes her eyes, unwilling to let them fall as Daniel continues.

"Life is too short Sam." he places a soft hand on her shoulder. "We could die tomorrow, so whatever it is you want? You should chase it." He isn't fully sure that he's talking about Joe anymore.

-SJ-

Daniel dies two weeks later.

Watching him slowly slip away had been crippling, she had cried, prayed, begged even. Now, she finds herself sat in his office in the SGC, completely numb. What is she supposed to do without him? How is SG1 supposed to carry on without him? She'd made her way here after her father had gated home. Hours later she is still sat at his desk, unable to quite process that he is gone, that he chose to leave them, her.

Colonel O'Neill had left the room moments after Daniel had disappeared, closely followed by Teal'c. General Hammond had placed a gentle hand on Janet's shoulder as she'd cried. Her father had pulled her close and held her before he informed her that he had to leave, she'd wiped her eyes walked him to the gate room. He had apologised, promising that he would come back as soon as possible. She had just nodded and kissed him goodbye.

She absentmindedly moves papers on his desk and knocks something over. Daniel's desk is such a mess, it always is. She moves to pick up whatever she had disturbed and stills. It takes a few seconds for her to grasp it and bring it towards her. The photo is old, possibly from their first year together. SG1 are stood together, Teal'c is stood on the end, he stands tall and strong but clearly uncomfortable with what is happening. She remembers how serious he used to be, he has changed so much, warmed to earth and to SG1. She, Daniel and the Colonel stand together. She is in the middle, laughing, really laughing as both Daniel and the Colonel wrap and arm around her. She doesn't remember when this photo was taken, she doesn't remember ever having seen it. Is it possible that it's been on Daniel's messy desk this whole time?

She stares at Daniel in the photo, he's laughing too as is the Colonel. He looks so young and although she's sure this was taken in the very early days of the team, he still looks full of life, despite his heart-breaking situation. But that was Daniel. He always pushed through his pain, he put on a smile and pushed the team to be better, to do better.

Sam swallows the lump in her throat as the numbness begins to thaw. He's gone. She's never going to see him again. With shaking hands, she gently places the photo back on the desk. She feels as though her chest is about to implode. She has to get out of here.

She makes her way to his door, ignoring the sympathetic looks and the couple of people who try to talk to her. She is seconds away from breaking down and she can't do it in the halls of the SGC. She knocks three times, silently praying that he's in there, that he hasn't gone home yet.

"Carter." If he's surprised to find her at his quarters, he doesn't show it. His face is pale but reveals nothing. He is dressed in his civvies.

"Sir, I…" she takes a deep breath. "Can I come in?" she speaks so quietly he can barely hear her. She can feel something beginning to break inside of her.

He stares at her, really stares but says nothing. He wants to invite her in, to comfort her, to hold her but he is fighting something powerful and dark. He is only too aware of just how quickly guilt and grief can consume a person and he can feel it beginning. He has to get out of here. He needs to get away from her and anyone else who knows exactly what has happened today.

He can't be around anyone right now, especially her.

"Sir…" she whispers, biting her lip as the ache in her chest begins to morph into an indescribable pain.

He thinks for just a second about pulling her into the room, slamming the door and pulling her body against his, he thinks she is the only person in the world who could ease his pain right now. His fingers twitch with a desire to touch her. And for that reasons he has to go. He doesn't trust himself around her, not when he is this broken, not when everything he knows has been ripped apart. He has felt this grief before and it's all consuming, she doesn't need to be a part of that. He would never forgive himself if did anything that could hurt her, if she saw the darkness that has always been inside of him.

"Uh, Carter. I was actually just leaving. Can we…can we catch up tomorrow?" He tries not to flinch as she nods and takes a step away from him. She frowns and looks up at him, like she is about to say something, but she doesn't. She nods sadly and walks away.

-SJ-

It takes three days for him to summon up the courage to speak to her. Having spent two days in a whiskey fuelled haze he feels like he can face the world today, that he can face her and try to support her.

He is surprised that he feels slightly more stable in such a short time, and while he knows that his grief isn't done, he owes it to his team to check on them. He has a duty to them, to her.

He feels incredibly selfish for leaving her when she needed him, but he would have been no good to her. He'd felt as though he was about to implode. He had to get himself together. He hopes she will understand. He hopes that she had someone to go to. He's sure she would have gone to Janet, maybe Teal'c. They would have been so much better for her in that moment than him.

He approaches her front door, having checked that's he wasn't on the base. He hesitates before knocking. He's willing to take her anger, to apologise for turning his back on her. He's willing to take whatever she has to give but he has to be close to her. He thinks about what has happened to Daniel, how much that hurts and how easily it could have been her.

He'd decided last night that he would explain everything to her, that he would tell her exactly why he hadn't picked her up and taken her home all those months ago. Last night he had been drunk, today he isn't quite so sure, but he hasn't completely decided against it. Life is so damn short.

It takes a few moments before he hears movement in the house. He has his apology ready, but it isn't Carter that he finds when the door opens.

"Colonel O'Neill." A very surprised Ambassador Faxon greets him.

"Ambasador." Jack masks the many emotions that run through his mind. Faxon is half dressed, in a t-short and boxers. The other man notices as Jack checks out his attire.

"I'm sorry, I thought you were the mailman."

"I guess it is early." Jack's jaw feels so tight that it may snap. It doesn't take a genius to figure out what this guy is doing in his 2IC's house at 8am on a Saturday morning.

"I uh, I wanted to say I'm sorry about what happened to Dr Jackson." As Faxon speaks Jack's jaw gets impossibly tighter. This man doesn't have the right to talk about Daniel.

"I know how close you were, your team. I saw it on the mission and when I was in the infirmary."

"I uh, I just came to check on Carter." Jack needs to leave. He needs to leave now. "Wait," Jack asks, "the infirmary?"

"Well, I saw how concerned you were for Sam when she was hurt. Dr Jackson too…" Faxon continues to speak but Jack doesn't hear it. Suddenly the pieces come together. He remembers his conversation with General Hammond.

"_This is a conversation I didn't want to have with you but unfortunately I have no choice," he takes a deep breath. "I had a visit today from someone on the base who wanted to  
voice some…concerns about the relationship between you and Major Carter."_

_Just like that Jack feels his stomach drop. "Uh, I don't know what you-"_

"_Jack," Hammond cuts him off. "I know that the situation between the both of you is complicated and I've tried to stay out of it as much as I can, you haven't given me any reason to feel like I should be involved, but I can't ignore this."_

"_What exactly is the accusation Sir?" Jack asks, anger building. Who would go to Hammond about them? _

"_Nothing concrete, more of a feeling on their part. They reported seeing you and Major Carter holding hands in the infirmary a few days ago," _

He feels his blood begin to boil as Faxon continues to offer his sympathies. That son of a bitch. Jack takes a deep breath. There are so many emotions already rolling around inside his head, there almost isn't room for this new layer.

"Joe? Who is it?"

Jack's heart skips a beat, but his face conveys no such thing. He watches as she approaches the front door, tying her bathrobe to hide her state of undress. She spots him and freezes for a second before making her way towards the front door and the two men who are stood there.

"Colonel, what are you doing here?" There is a mixture of anger and embarrassment in her voice. She pulls on the robe, ensuring that she is fully covered and runs a hand through her hair.

Faxon mumbles something before disappearing.

"Uh, I just came to see how you were doing." He holds himself together despite feeling an overwhelming mixture of anger, grief for Daniel and a newfound grief for something he is trying not to think about.

Sam feels her cheeks flush. She doesn't have to explain herself to him, not after he turned her away when she needed him, but she can't help but feel like she should.

She had spent the first night alone, sobbing for Daniel in her quarters. She had eventually made her way home and found another message from Joe on her answering machine. She called him back, asked if he was free. She needed to feel something. He'd arrived at her door two days ago and hadn't left.

She wants to tell her CO that she needed him three days ago. She had prepared herself to, yet again, hide her anger when she returned to the SGC but she hadn't anticipated him stumbling upon Joe in her house, their state of undress making it very clear that he had been in her bed.

"I didn't mean to disturb…you. I'll see you on Monday." He is gone before she can respond. Not that she's sure what she would say anyway.

-SJ-

They don't discuss what happened at her house. They slip into Colonel and Major mode too easily. He can see that she is still grieving, she has bags under her eyes and is a little too pale. He is grieving too. He misses Daniel more than he ever thought he could, and a deep guilt slowly builds in the pit of his stomach. Daniel was on his team, his responsibility and now he's gone.

He thinks about talking to her, about asking her how she is but he isn't sure he can carry her grief as well as everything else that rests so uncomfortably between them. He feels like a coward but maybe it's better this way? He tries to comfort himself in the fact that she has Faxon to speak to but his blood boils when he thinks of the rat bastard going to Hammond about something that was none of his business.

He hates the thought of her with him, but he can't fully convince himself that it's just because Faxon had almost ruined her career.

He's grateful that they're sent to fight Osiris within days of their return to the SGC because he isn't sure he can stay cooped up in the SGC, not when it reminds him so much of Daniel and everything he's lost…

**At this point, I hate myself for what I'm doing to them... Do you still love me? I would love to know your thoughts. What do you think will happen? What do you want to happen? **


End file.
